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the girl with the lonely eyes

i am ready. i am ready. i am fine.

4/22/07 10:28 pm - Without you here there is less to say

I think one of the hardest things in life is finding something from a past lover or friend. Finding an object, and having it in your hands- for a second you feel like you are holding that person. It shocks your heart. But when the shock reaches your brain you realize what you are holding. Its on the floor again, only getting pushed back into that hiding place or tossed away. Then you feel homesick for a day, or two.

3/3/07 11:56 pm - 1,095...

Please forgive me for my distance.

3/2/07 12:19 am

the good words hurt the most.

2/26/07 11:29 am - No one is counting right?

This weekend when I told my mom about shaving my head I wasn't expecting her reaction. I thought she would be more understanding. But she wasn't. I told my dad-- actually he asked me if I ever would and then I told him my plans of doing it. He wasn't surprised. He thought my mom would feel differently too. But it made me think about my relationship with my father. We've been talking more. Its been better. I feel bad leaving his house early and having other plans. He burned me about 5 cds cuz I told him I lost all my music when I got my computer fixed. He also saved me four cookies, I forgot them but its the thought. And when I turned on his computer and I had a spot on the main welcome screen my stomach got in knots. I need to call him more.

2/22/07 10:28 pm - I just need to hide from myself.

For one moment, usually in the morning- I feel happy and I am optimistic. I get up before everyone, its like I have the house to myself. I dream of the days possibilities. Then I run, fast and hard. I breathe. I feel everything in my body, my lungs hurt and my knee gets a pinching pain running up the hills, but I love it. I feel so alive. I feel, and I smile, and I sweat, and I cry. Sometimes I give up, most days I choose to win. Cuz when I run, I want to win.

After my shower and daily doses of classes and work, I'm numbed again. And I want out, but I don't want to move. Suddenly, without notice- I don't feel anything anymore. Nothing matters. All my hopes for the day, my list of todays things to do- everything goes in the garbage. I say 'tomorrow' but tomorrow never comes. My smile goes limp and I become weak. I'm tired. So I sleep but mostly lay. Most days aren't sober. It hasn't been long, but I still can't remember.

Sometimes I wish as people, we never changed.
I like who I used to be. I can't remember if I was happier or if things are just harder.

2/20/07 01:37 pm - its tuesday....and that slipped my mind.

this is not making me a good best friend.
or, friend.

2/18/07 09:26 pm

what do you do with a girl who cant stop eating?

2/15/07 11:54 pm - This is what I did today....

I'll pry be posting more pictures later on this is all I have for now.

Its not done either, the top flower has to be finished and its gonna be filled in all black.
I'm a wuss and could only handle the two hours of pain. Fucking killed on the spine. oooo

2/13/07 01:36 pm - :-D

Why am I so excited for tomorrow???
Goodness, I just can't wait.
I mean, I know why I just think its funny that I am excited for Valentines Day. First, I will get to see Adrienne and talk about to camp for 5 hours :) woop. Second, I am really excited to hear about Matts Valentines because I helped him and I wanna hear bout the girls response. Third=Happy Hour with Linds and Jodi.
And...forth, I mean its just wine and a movie...


Its freakin cold in my room. Boooo

2/7/07 11:52 am - why is today such an amazing day?

I am happy. So happy in fact and I don't really know why.
I had a great workout today--
On friday I am heading home to celebrate my 21st with my favorite people!
If you are my friend and you want to have a drink with me you can come to my house satuday 9pm baby!!
My mother is throwing me a birfday party. Cupcakes, pizza, booze, everything you neeed.
And when I return to Mt. Pleasant I will have a computer again!!! wooo!! That is the most exciting for me right now.

Time to tackle my to do list!

2/5/07 10:42 pm - Negative six

I was trying to go a whole day.
I lasted til 6:30pm. So close.

2/4/07 12:45 pm - a dream of mine...

PRESS RELEASE February 3, 2007

2007 COASTAL CHALLENGE RACE STARTS TOMORROW

Six-Day Race Begins Sunday at Base of Arenal Volcano in La Fortuna, Costa Rica

SAN JOSE , COSTA RICA -- The Coastal Challenge, the World’s Expedition Run TM, starts tomorrow, Sunday, February 4, at approximately 10 a.m. in La Fortuna, Costa Rica. Following today’s registration in San Jose, competitors, volunteers and staff will be transported before sunrise Sunday morning to the base of Arenal Volcano for the race start. The 2007 race will follow 200 kilometers of rugged terrain to remote areas of the country that will test both the mental and physical limitations of each competitor, according to Tim Holmstrom, founder and race director.

“This year’s race will prove to be the most difficult and rewarding in terms of toughness and terrain,” says Holmstrom. “While epic scenery will provide an unparalleled backdrop for competitors, they will need to dig deep to push their competitive limits in order to finish.”

Regular race updates will be available at www.thecoastalchallenge.com, and a new information center including a leader board and race blog will also be online at the race’s designated Checkpoint Tracker site. Additionally, a variety of sports and adventure web sites will carry race updates and feature stories throughout the competition, including:

* www.CheckpointZero.com
* www.AdventureTaxi.com
* www.multidays.com
* www.Sleepmonsters.com
* www.ecosportaventura.com

The 2007 Coastal Challenge, the third annual, has been dubbed the “Route of Fire” as much for its start at the base of Arenal Volcano, one of the world’s most active, as for the scorching temperatures and heated competition. More than 75 runners and adventurers from 12 countries will compete for $3,000 in prize money. Countries represented include the United States, Canada, Mexico, Costa Rica, Great Britain, Ireland, Spain, Latvia, Germany, Malaysia, India, and Australia.

The new course will follow a tough northwestern route from Costa Rica’s volcanic region, along one of the last tropical dry forests in existence, through jungle terrain and lush rain forests, up to the Pacific Coast near the Nicaraguan boarder. Runners and guests will camp each night at a variety of locations starting with Rancho Margot at Lake Arenal and finishing at Bolanos Bay Hotel on the Pacific Coast, with a mix of remote sites along the way.

Additionally, this year’s race will include a number of enhancements that will further establish the event as one of the world’s most exciting and challenging multi-day, off-road running competitions. For the first time, The Coastal Challenge is offering three categories of participation in the six-day event: the Expedition Run (230-km course), Adventure Run (115-km course), and the Guest Adventure Tours (six-day, packaged adventure tours such as hiking and rafting). Previous competitions only featured the Expedition Run.

About The Coastal Challenge

Set on Costa Rica’s Northwest Coast, The Coastal Challenge is the “World’s Expedition Run™,” releasing runners over approximately 230 kilometers of exotic and wild Costa Rican mountainous regions and coastline. For six days, runners embrace the spirit of adventure, discovery and camaraderie within a long distance running competition while navigating volcanic regions, wide river crossings, rainforests, jungles, windswept highlands, beaches, and rock outcroppings. It is an expedition run of epic proportions introducing competitors to the hospitality of the local Tico culture while pushing the limits of their will and endurance.

The Coastal Challenge is sponsored in part by Land Rover, Gramicci, nuun, Grupo Mudanzas Mundiales and Eagles Nest Outfitters. Media partners include Trail Runner magazine, CheckpointZero and AdventureTaxi.com.

1/31/07 01:27 pm - When you just can't stand to think or feel.

I lost a piece of me in you;
I think I left it in your arms.
I forget the reasons I got scared,
But remember that I cared quite a lot.

You see but lately I've been on my own.
Yeah one, but one by choice.
You see, thats a first for me,
There's only me, yeah theres only me,
And now I realize for once,
It's just me.
It's just me.
It's just me,
And I'll find a way to make it,
There's noone left to stop me.
Here I go.
Can we take it from the top?

So why so long?
So sad, I wanna be strong.
Don't try to take this from me.
I'm already spent living half my life undone
So why so long?
So sad, I wanna be strong.
Don't try to take this from me.
I've already spent my life living half undone.

I've been talking to my aunts and uncles, mom and dad again.
I've been finding out that I have what this world calls friends.
I've tried to push them all away,
They push me back and wanna stay
And that's one good thing I have.

I'm gonna feel a peace in me,
I'm gonna feel at home.
I'm gonna make this cloud above me disappear, be gone.
I wanna feel a punch inside, my heart beat on the floor.
I don't wanna hurt no more.

Yeah it's just me.
It's just me
And i'll find a way to make it.
There's noone left to stop me.
Here i go, can we take it from the top?

So why so long?
So sad, I wanna be strong.
Don't try to take her from me.
I've already spent my life living half undone.

So why so long?
So sad, i wanna be strong.
Don't try to take her from me.
I've already spent my life living half undone.

I used to be the one who won before.
I used to smile but dont no more.
I'm living just to watch it all go by.

1/31/07 11:35 am

Today is a bad day.
This week is a bad week.

1/29/07 02:18 pm

I would be dead if it wasn't for Sophie.

1/26/07 08:17 pm

Today I met a guy named Ryan (number 9). This Ryan is 23, he has never had a drink in his life and he says he is never going to have a drink in his life because he is afraid of becoming an alcoholic.

1/26/07 04:17 pm

We were too wasted to close the window.
Friends and family looking into my only hiding place
The rythmn of a stranger's skin.
Infidel to die for what I am doing
will happen in the morning when the mirror won't recognize me
He holds a certain gesture when we're lovin' to ask each other
"Do you want it?" "Do you want me?"
I want it. It is you. You are where I want to be.

Who is he? *o0o*
Why would I *do*
hitch a ride? *the*
I can drive. *twist*
Who is she? *o0o*
Why would I *do*
hitch a ride *o0o0*
When i can drive? *the twist*

Somebody put me back in school, I forget everything.
I used to know how to leave the boy behind
without having to watch him go. *oh*
Infidel to die for what I am doing
will happen in the morning when the mirror won't recognize me.
He holds a certain gesture when we're lovin' to ask each other
"Do you want it?" "Do you want me?"
I want it. It is you. You are where I want to be.

1/26/07 12:01 am

If you don't know what to say
jus don't say anything at all.

1/22/07 11:39 am - Missing pieces to perfect pieces

Everything is good.
I got hired as CIT/Day Camp Director this summer!
I have the most amazing guy back in my life!
Last nights meeting ran smoothly, KDP clothes are awesome.
And I skipped class this morning.
And I am going to make myself a grilled cheese.

I am so freaking happy right now.

1/20/07 11:17 am - I spent the day looking for the answers.

And this morning I found one in my breakfest.
Bagels always taste better at your apartment.

And then I found one in myself.
I just need you, I do.
Talking to you makes everything better.
After a week of hibernating and killing brain cells I got to talk to you and it remotivated me. You make me feel so much better and I love it. And I can't walk away from something so amazing.

I've had this to do list all week that kept piling up and this morning I got out of bed, showered for the first time in a couple days (grooosss) and I accomplished half my list already! Now I am going to work and making plans to do my homework! I feel so good.
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